Learning to Restart

At current.

Life for me is like, a ferris wheel that doesn't know how or when to stop.

It looks pretty and exciting, triggers people to want to JOIN in the ride, but not fulfilling at all.

I have so many things in mind that i want to change and do.

But the fear is there.

I want to stop moving the same.

Its no longer making or keeping me happy or even SANE.

The only thing that keeps me CALM.

Is the moment i play my fav list of songs..

Hungry by Joy Williams - beautiful tunes, beautiful words..

Assuredly Yours.

God is able.

I love these songs.

It means so much more than just SONGS.

It is time to step and Move.

Stop if i need.

On a separate note,

I sometimes wonder,

If you still miss the people who once meant the world to you..

Are you happy now, with the someone New.

Or are you trying to BE as Happy, knowing the happiest was also your saddest.

I'm Moving On the next Level of Life, without you.

Looking back at my previous posts, I giggled.

Do you know what position am I in now, after debating if this Relationship is worth keeping & hanging on?

Answer : I chose to let it go and I'm in the phase of recovery, friends, please bear w my emotion turmoil for the time being, I know i will be good in no time.

I stumbled across a pass letter, let it be my last Love Letter to him, and bid Goodbye.

You have rocked my 3-years with so much Love, a Love I will cherish & still smile just reminiscing.

Love,
Lil3pees

Mishmash Romance

What is mishmash romance.

Quoted from my latest fav book, it is like going on a fine dining restaurant with someone who doesn't have the patience to wait for each course of the meal to be served.

The master chef has a wonderful plan that takes time to appreciate fully but instead of enjoying each course individually, your date insists that all the courses - the drinks, soup, salad, entree, dessert - be blended together into 1 bowl of mishmash, yuck!

Now you've a good picture of what many relationships are like today. Instead of savoring the "courses" of an unfolding love story - acquaintance, friendship, courtship, engagement, marriage - impatient couples mash the sequence together and before they could build a friendship, they start playing at love, before they even thought about commitment, they're acting as if they own each other.

Well. Wisdom calls us to slow down. Don't let impatience or generalized behavioral of others be the reason you're following "because everyone does it anyway" - let Wisdom LEAD, not FEELINGS, let feelings BE you but most of all, allow wisdom to guide your Actions that will birth the joy of God's given creation or gift to mankind. Don't settle for mishmash.

I couldn't agree better.

IF only people understood the sacrificial story of Jesus Christ.

IF only people know how God sacrificed his only Son for us, mankind.

IF only these are all FELT and UNDERSTOOD deeply at Heart.

Well, I am no perfect, I still make mistakes, I still take a lot things for granted, I still have bad old habits and attitude i can't wait to get rid and change but each time it is Hard to cope, i am reminded of the huge turning point of my life - the Decision i took 2-years ago, where my life was never the same again.

I'm taught not to FOLLOW what the world is turning into, as human beings we tend to be TEMPTED and guided with feelings almost all of the times and that is one of the reasons why we need God to overlook and protect, guard the Heart matters for it will stray and be tempted to turn something beautiful into something not meant for, and wrong - ultimately then ruining the beauty of one of God's best creation and gifts to mankind, allowing TEMPTATION and IMPATIENCE get the better of YOU.

Some people in the walks of my life views my step of faith and patience, pure silly-ness & pointless, weird practice, pure confusion, not understandable, traditional.. etc. i'm seriously glad i don't feel it at all. I wonder where did this perseverance came, AHA!

As long as i know what i am preparing myself for, that is all that matters at the end of the day. I truly thank God for holding me close and firm. I tell you, this step of faith is more than just a blind walk but a walk knowing even blinded i will get there foreseeing the falls and pains that surely comes along, God promised i will never be alone to go through all these on my own, what more do you Need seriously?

Trust me, he wouldn't let you settle for something less of, neither will Life be ruined by believing in Him, what Loss do you foresee for i can only tell you, the Goodness at times can be so challenging to BELIEVE yet it is so very True, you can't even DENY it because the truth is INSIDE you and when you know it or when that really happens IN You, you will find yourself thanking God profusely for the deliverance in your Life, well i'm One who can testify this truth.

If only you are willing to Open your heart and let Him be your Guide, will then you receive the deepest understanding-unexplainable love feeling of God for you, and you will truly undstd if God is really what i claim to be, trust me, you will be only be blown away. Like Me or so much more! :)

For serving a God of so much more, there's boldness to dream Big, to want what man define impossible, that it will only be possible w God's intervention.

I can't wait to let God minister to your Life.

Touch You like how he has Touched me.

For i pray each day.

You and I are made in God's plans,

which I haven't manage to understand or know what purpose it is behind all these.

but i seek Someday,

I will understand.

the 21-days started.

I seek Him, for His power & intervention in those 3 areas i have totally submitted to Him, in His most precious name. Amen.

Love,

Lil3pees

and so the Little bird tweeted.

I was anticipating.

I wanted to see, i wanted to know.

I act like i didn't know & i didn't care.

You tried, and i like it you tried haha!

It was such a happy time, I don't know

This friendship is so weirdly made up.

I don't get it sometimes of what's with you.

But i'm happy when you are happy.

Sorry.

Reluctance got the better of me.

Please know that you mean a lot to me.

I don't know why.

Or how.

Its been years.

And i'm still having you in the back of my mind like it was just yesterday.

And it scares me when i have the Question 101 about you.

How weirdly my mind gets confused and tangled when it is just so simple.

I'm still figuring out.

Why.

And so, i decided to walk away.

From this dream i thought it was sweet.

But no. I'm feeding fakes into my mind. It's crazy!

I force it to look Oh-so-sweet, when i know the truth, i felt like crap inside.

I know my weakness.

But i still want to go for it.

This is human's mind complexity.

The flesh is SO WEAK!

I hate it.

Even when we whispered, see you again.

I promise i will keep walking.

Away.

Love.

Lil3pees.

the BOOK story

I swallow-ed the tears, i knew my heart's convictions but i'm ignoring it.

Reading the Book, made me realize, relationship is only blessed and healthy if you pursue-d it in God's approval and timing.

And so i tear-ed.

Teared because i don't know if God wants me to give up this relationship and rely totally in Him to see where this goes, or if he's the One for me.

To see if this Person was in God's plan, to see if we're meant for marriage.

I tear-ed again.

I know my priorities and desires has changed drastically.

Knowing that romantic love stories isn't what i'm aiming, i aim to know if this is approved by Him, i know i have to do what's right rather than what felt right.

Here's a passage in the book that touched me.

"I like to think that the relationship between wisdom and romance is like the one between the string and a kite. Romantic love is the kite that catches the wind and tenaciously heads for the sky; wisdom is the string that tugs downward, holding it back. The tension is real but healthy. I suppose there are times when a kite feels tied down by the string. "If this bothersome string would just let go of me, I could fly really high," the kite might think. But that isn't true, is it? Without the string holding it in the face of the wind, the kite would quickly come crashing to the ground. In the same way, romance without wisdom will soon take a nosedive. It's not enough to simply have romantic feelings. Anyone can do that! Long-lasting romance needs practical, commonsense wisdom that knows when to let the wind of feelings carry us higher and when to pull back. When to express our emotions and when to keep quiet. When to open our hearts, and when to rein them in."

So am i doing it right for both?

I always thought to myself, if He's not meant for me, send me away. Send me or land me an overseas job offer or something. That's the best way to end this relationship that't not meant to be. But nothing happened.

Maybe cause i didn't do anything about it accept hoping that God fulfills my dream job, to be an air-hostess, but i didn't get it.

So i conclude myself, God has better plans for me Here.

Am i really relying on God or my own comfort to God's plans? If God were to tell me NO, will i obey? I don't know but i really want to know.

Anyway I didn't think twice about my relationship anymore then, thinking maybe God wants me to touch his life, his family's.. I don't know. I just make assumptions, without seeking God. Again, with my own wisdom and strength - conclusion, leads me no where but confused heart, all over again. and again. A doubtful thought and feelings, simply messed up and confused w no proper objectives of where this could ever lead to, no confirmation at all..

Reading the book, i teared cause knowing my relationship is dependable on human's wisdom n strength, we never seek God's approval neither we're making efforts to make it a real worthy-relationship, full of God's blessing and meant for.

I'm troubled by the thoughts of letting go.

Letting go not because i can't.

But whether i know how to handle it.

Whether is giving up is the only Option.

What if God has a plan for it that i didn't know of..

What if this WAS meant to be?

I'm praying for God's wisdom.

I shall seek His approval and will for us - if we are meant for each other.

But again.

How.

Should i stay away from him? Should i act like nothing happen and keep praying?

How can i start?

How can i move?

How can i lead the relationship i want to?

And dream about?

Only God knows, and if you're willing to let Him intervene, everything's going to be alright.

I'm Sure.

Love,

Lil3pees-in-dilemma

the Revival Period, how irony.

as i was thinking of reviving my personal blog space last few days, wait. not really that personal actually, omg!

Bestie! u shudn't have told me you READ my blog, because u confessed u read my blog, i quickly went back to my blog and see if i type-d anything dumb. hahahaha! and i did. shit the last blog.. omgosh, u are reading what i'm THINKING about u.. *ARGH!* fails.

Now i will be un-intentionally be very cautious with what i write d, and thus it will affect what i want to say eventually. GAH! i shall try to be as original, but i actually have a very emo-topic to begin with. Well not actually EMO but, something personal, slightly more personal than personal. wth.

LOL.

Last night, someone i never expected, or at least didn't thought that He would, he suddenly text me, and we chat for at least a good 1hour. and its weird, weird cause, I never have gotten so much of his attention/time spent for just chatting before.. weird cause, i feel funny in a way of the things we shared and b4 we bid goodbye, i know. something is not right already.

But well, since maybe it is just His randomness, but it meant something to me at least.

And its weird that i'm still thinking of the question he asked me which i replied very honestly but as i was trying to rationalize it, that's BAD. cause i know its not RIGHT regardless.

As it touches personal stories, i will re-word a little the Questions he asked me.

Can you be in love with 2 persons at the same time - no, not for lust, but really interested in a few people at the same time cause they give you that special feeling, and you don't want to lose them. You want them all, at the same time cause you can't decide who to let go cause they mean so much to you in different ways..

I was puzzled, cause Love is always for me, just for One.. really just ONE.

Do you have that Love feelings for several persons at a time.. i confidently said NO.

Do you still think about the people you once Loved, or once had your heart eyed on?

I paused, and i quickly detour my answer but truth is i can't deny but yes, i do and i realize i'm still thinking of a few people in my life, but does that mean i still Love them??? NO.

But what strikes me is, when he said, "these feelings don't just go away, it will always be there so why suffer? why can't u just be honest to these inner feelings but brush it away cause love is just for one, i mean if there's one, then let it be but if its 2 then its 2, gotta just accept it.."

I know i care for a few persons in my life very differently but very much, and some i have to ignore cause i know its not someone i want to bring back to my life or trouble myself with but, i can't deny, that i still miss this one person, miss not because of Love, miss because he meant something and i always wonder if he's happy now.

see. destructive! grrrrr!

Well, anyway.

I just hope this randomness of his, don't come too often, just DON'T.

In everyone's heart, there'll always be a lot feelings that confuses you of what's Right.. and i'm one of them, i just hope, this feeling. will go away. I know its not Right, and so i shall not think about it, since blogging is my way of expressing it out, i felt so much better now in a way.

Happy Fwaiday!

I need to have a jolly-relax,full DAY.

HUGGGS!

Love,

Lil3pees :)

the Lil things in Life does matter..

It's strange how 2 persons can react so differently to something I've said.

One made me smile,

the Other.. sigh.

i nagged 2 persons in my life about smoking, only 1 impressed me, the other - just cont giving excuses.. well, its okay. its your life but when its about what i think about u, sorry don't mind my 2cents please.

bestie! i'm so proud of you! u totally blew me red-pink-orange handed! hahahaa..

let me tell you the story.

we were out 1 day, as he walked over the counter, i'm like.. hmm, must be getting his ciggs.. i was in dismay thinking how could i ever make it WORK effectively and i'd thought, well, if he doesn't care about his life why should i right? the one suffering later on, is not me but of course it will affect me argghh.. watever lah!

anyway, as he walked back towards me. i was like, sigh wat the heck! after all that i have told about my sick uncle story who was a chain smoker who regretted, and nearly died because of that.. i teared as i knew there's 2 persons in my life that i MUST relate this story to and i was hoping to see a lil change. just even if its a LITTLE.

so as he sat down opp me, i started pouring my heart out. he's the best listener i can ever ask for.. the one good friend that i can never trade anything for.. a friend that will always be there, not just for the good times but during my worst moments of my life, he never fails me and yes, never.

guess what happened? as i was talking, he was unfolding the sweets on his hands which i was thought was his ciggs but NO, its Hacks! hahahaaha.. i was SO SHOCK AND SUPERBLY AMAZED! can you imagine how glad i was inside me when i saw him eating hacks instead of.. u know.. the thing i hate Most - smoking.

i was SO happy. you might think how such small things could make me remember and be this happy, well then you should re-think if you really know me :)

anyway, i sometimes wish, my other half can be as attentive not just listening and saying YES but listening with a heart that understands.. but i guess i can't be asking too much, i'm no perfect either.. i just sometimes wish i wasn't such a burdening/with high expectations gf, i only end up making the one i love, suffer to meet my "self-standards"

i must start re-adjusting.

i must stop having expectations.

i must learn to be better..

LIFE.

LOVE LIFE.

and the Complexity of IT, i wanna embrace with total confidence.

Love,

Lil3pees.