When its about Faith and Believing..

Its odd that i currently have this thought and urge.. to be like my mum - a newborn in terms of religion.. I don't know if its the cause of the current situation, contracts hanging by a thread, losing contracts, people not cooperating, being mistrust, being used, being accused.. i'm so boiled with all these negativity around me, causing me a real breakdown.. a breakdown so bad, i want to feel what is like, bringing the word, the believe of God in my life..

My mum has always told me to believe in God, like she did.. but i turned away..

Mum always ask me to leave it to God to help me.. but i don't..

Mum said God will help those who believe in Him.. i hesitate, i doubt..

Mum said i won't lose anything by believing but i gain so much if it happens to me.. i know but..

Mum wants me to believe so i won't need to struggle so hard, like she did.. i wish it was this easy

Mum, i really really wish it was this Easy.. because i'm stubborn like a stone.

and so I promised her to try and keep trying because i really want to be like her.. Calm and peaceful, Strong and Positive, Kind and helpful, Gifted and to have found your inner Happiness that i have not.. I will make a point to start tonight, and let go the negative thoughts or the stubborn attitude inside me..

I want to stop complaining. This is one thing i want to achieve cause i realized by complaining, although its a way for me to release the stress inside me, but it also clearly shows i'm incompetent in a way cause i rather waste time complaining than to work on it, finding other ways to nail it again.. It's true, so true..

On a separate note, i dreamt of my idole a lot lately.. and i'm always sooo happy in my dreams cause the dreams are all so very happy ones, i guess its because i'm very down and stressful lately and 1 remedy to make me feel better, is to hear his songs, and now that i'm also dreaming of him, it makes my night so sweet, so peaceful, so happy when i wake up in the morning - i kept wishing it didn't need to end, and i don't need it to be real..

It sounds wrong if i told this to my other half, i don't think he'll get what it means to me.. its not like i'm so crazy about him, but it makes me happy.. why not? Who cares if he won't know who am i, who cares if its only a dream and that it won't happen in real life..

All i wanted is to be happy, even if its only in my dreams.. :) You made my nights so wonderful. Although i don't recall what i dreamt but i still want to see you in my dreams because those moments, inside and outside, i'm so Happy.. and i long for this moment, always.

Besides this latest crazy dreams of mine, i'm also trying my best to be a better partner.. a better daughter.. a better person in a whole.

I miss my bestfriends so badly.. especially the one in Texas and the one in Penang..

I wonder why They are the choosen ones to be far away from me.. Not that i don't want, and of course i want the best for them.. and if being far apart is the best, it shall be.. like now :)

Wish it was that easy to find another You but of course i never did try to as well..

I hate substitutes or replacement..

especially when it comes to people close at heart..

thus i hate it when i'm "Forced" to say goodbye to the People i had been so so close with..

Its hell difficult to replace our good times with another person..

or maybe i'm just the difficult one..

Looking at all the crazy things we did, we had, just made me miss you so much more..

I Love this shot the Most, you'll the a similarity of what i call - my Best Friends.

Love,

Lil3Pees.

Speechless..

Since i'm not allowed to blog or spread my love deep deep thoughts about this special person, i just want to say.. he has caused a huge difference in my life - only this 2 weeks.

What i'm trying to say here is..

2 weeks of crucial learning has caused a hurricane in me..

I'm not as good as the other person, i may be worse but the jealousy/over-confident feeling caused me to pinpoint other's every fault, make it seem like i'm the Better - to feel good but trust me, it doesn't work that way - i didn't feel any happier after.. i felt WORSE.

I've heard so much about myself from others, the perceptions i created, honestly its starting to be quite `effing ugly.. from the closest people - it just deepens the wound. i asked myself WHY..

Still trying to stay in denial, proving to myself i had valid right reasons for it but NO, i know deep inside, i'm losing myself, SLOWLY - bit by bit because i'm chasing what i call BIG DREAMS but its causing me to lose rationality and sometimes running overboard with my thinking and actions that caused me now, sleepless..

But i will repent, i will learn, i will steer to be Better.

For i'm looking forward to nail the first trophy this Saturday, i will try my best to make it one of the greatest achievement of mine so far, to prove to myself that i can do it..

I'm trying to get rid negative emotions/feelings.. but its haunting me.

I honestly am worried, i wonder am i on the right track, the calmness is freaking me out and driving me nuts till i can't sleep, trying to figure out where are the gwad darn LOOP HOLES..

I hate it when i overlook things.. it makes you feel stupid that moment, and the worst is to be shot in front of your superior, when you're trying to stand out.. HATE that feeling!

Blogging negativity and all these mentioned above clearly shows how NOT confident and also proves that i can't handle stress.. but i'm really in deep shiet, too much going in my head, not just about this SAT but I've too many things under my roof that's hanging by a thread and i feel terribleeeeeee..

DARN, i want Sunday to come sooner!

-i'mNotlil3peesbutherTwin-

1 Month, exactly.

Its been exactly 1 month now you're not Here with me.

I missed you, Oh no one could ever replace this Lost feeling inside me..

I needed you so much, during work, during happy moments, during my lowest but it was my negligence that caused this day to happen.

I promised not to shed tears again but to move on,

Time and time again, people around me are not used to me Not having you around..

When people ask about you.. i gasp on my reply.

Each time the X question pops up, altho it looks like i've moved on - i fake a smile, said that you're gone but honestly, it still cuts me really deep inside.

I wish to know where are you, are you in someone's hands not mine or are you left somewhere that i can't recall..

I can't talk about u, no one would undstd..

I can't tear to anyone cuz no one would think its worth even thinking bout you..

But i know their good intentions,

They just want me to move on, and find another new You.

But losing you, at this point of time, i don't even feel like having another one..

I will get over it, i promise i would..

But not now, not today,

Not when i still think of you..

Wanting you back..

Everyday.

P/S : I know it might sound silly, but i still hope to find you back, someday..

Mission Accomplished!

Out of the 9 things I've promised to complete, I've Manage to nail 5 of it.. which is.. GOOD!. LOL! Cause the more important stuffs has been DONE.. i'm overly Happy i finally got him THE TOY. the mission of my long long plan finally came to an end, although not as planned but i'm so happy i made it happen, for him.

World cup ended, it also ends my Sick-y periods.. i can't believe that i'm actually sick nearly every week! Fever.Cough.Flue.Dizzy.Headache.Sorethroat.Stomachache - all came to visit me.. i'm so afraid of medicine now, its Scary.. I really miss dating moments with the munchkin. I may see him everyday because of work, but its not the lovey-dovey moments. Its always those rushing-stressed-frustrated moments, i'm so LACK of his 5star pamper service! hahahaha.. *evil grin*

Just another story to share :-

Last few days ago, Munchkin made me very upset about something that he lied unintentionally and i took it very hard because i couldn't accept it.. I cried right after i left him, i drove off. I went back home, still feeling hurt, i had to call 911 for help. My lovely 911 helper, who never fails to cheer me up whenever i call, he really made me realize that sometimes as gf's we have to accept and close an eye to certain things - habits, the way he does things etc. He lied because he knew i would be very upset, he Thought of keeping quiet bout it so that i wont be SAD but i, just had to dig it and he didn't want to Lie to me and thus i burst the bubble and got into this whole drama which could be avoided.

Deep down inside me, i know he's very upset he got me THIS upset. After the call, i felt so much better.. i Realized a lot of things, things i overlook about man. Well in a relationship is about all those little arguments that will either steer things to the worst or the better, and YOU play a role in this to help STEER it for the better, not continue steer-ing it for worse..

Well, the best part was how he made it up to me :-

1. He took the packet of toy ducks i bought which i left it in his car earlier of the day.

2. Decorated the ducks on the table as there are different sizes altogether.

3. Wrote a piece of letter, apologizing, expressing himself.

4. Waited for me to wake up and realize THIS.

(Btw, he's insomnia lately, he starts to sleep only the moment i go to work, and stays awake - playing games/watch dvd's while i'm sleeping)

So halfway through the night, i was woken up by his sounds, I couldn't really get to sleep after all the tears and emotional waves. I accidentally glanced through, i saw the ducks on the table, because they we so yellowing-ly glowing in the room, i giggled silently to myself and when he entered the room, he woke me up, tried to get my attention to the table but i ignored him TOTALLY then he came right at me, carried me to face the table and ask me to see what he has done. I took the letter, read it and placed it back at the table, crawled back to my bed and told him GOODNIGHT.

I feel asleep right away, because i'm Happy, i'll be sleeping with a happy, forgiven mode.

A special note 4u, munchkin :)

I know i promised i wont be angry with you more than 10minutes but that doesn't apply to upset mode. However, you always nail it right to make it up to me, and make me forget everything wrong you do. I don't know how you do it, but you're the only one able to unwind my hurricane mood so quickly.

However i just want to say, despite me being upset and all, i'm still proud of having you. In this 3o-days, you worked non stop, 7days a week and i remember you whispered to me

"I'm working so hard now baby its all because I want to provide you a better living with me,

i promise YOU i will.."

I smiled.

I hope i will finish uploading all our Birthday pics tonight while he's away.

Love,

Lil3pees!

the Little bits of Me..

There's so much i have to do, yet Procrastination got into it and delayed all that is important to me.. Weekend went by with me doing Absolutely Nothing because i was down with sickness and that makes me upset..

I've made a deadline to myself.

I need to complete the lists below before this weekend comes..

1. VISIT DIGI!

2. COMPLETE my damn long-overdue RESUME!

3. SEND IN the important FORM for Singapore!

4. PLAN my Lil bro's short gateaway/Singapore Trip/Appreciation trip!

5. UPLOAD overdue pictures, BIRTHDAYS, my own and Munchkins!

6. ESPRESSO BAR! marketing plan/strategy!

7. BABY T's menu pictorial update!

8. MY MEDICATIONS!

9. ......... can't recall, i remember i got 10 things.

Anyway, i wish i could be more persistent to somethings i want to get in Life..

I will try to work on it.. I will try my best to fulfill all the above b4 the end of this week.. Awaits for my lil brother to be back, so i have more excuse to be back home or a Holiday!

Love,

Lil3pees!

Weird baby Dream :)

It was such a weird night, I actually dreamt i was pregnant and i gave birth to my own baby last night, it was a Baby boy.. Zen Ming. It was a very messy or rather there was a lot elements of thinking involved, its not like its a whole story - some parts in the dream, i was hesitating to give birth naturally or by operation, other parts i was busy thinking of his Christian name. LOL! and i could remember so clearly how my baby looked like, so adorable. He looks like me when i was a baby but in the male version. :) uber cuteness, made my heart melt in my dream.. oh my, i felt the Mother-ly feeling in the dream, with my baby able to start speaking and walking on his own so fast.

Sigh, its only a dream.

Anyway, least its a happy one :)

I came across this Funny email, i want you guys to Cheer up, giggle at it.

Desperate Students during exams!

Hope i DID made you giggle..

Life's really tough at this moment for me, everything's hanging by a thread, Should i Leave or Stay?

Damn, Life decisions.

Love,

Lil3Pees!

a Desire that Hurts..

My heart seems so weak lately, with the added stress and workload, working midnights at my munckin's.. its eating inside me and i'm beginning to lose myself.. for the one word - Money, a desire that hurts.

I know Money isn't everything.

I know i Shouldn't be feeling this way..

I know the Fact this is not healthy.

But who can actually control what the Heart desires..

My only reason for this desire is because i wish to provide, my love ones a better life.. but yet i can't. yet.. and that.. kills me.

I know it takes time, but i'm impatient..

I know its not easy, but i will still fight for it to happen..

Cause this Desire has built in me, since i was a Little girl.

I promised my mum, i'll bring her around the world when i start earning money..

Reminiscing the promises i made to my mum since i was little, puts a slight smile to my face but a heavy heart that questions : When will the day be?

I don't know why i have this dark emotions that strikes me all sudden.

Probably its because i Fail to get what i really wanted to from work - rewards.

Probably i have overworked myself, now i'm like a walking skeleton and my mind do not rationalize properly.

Sigh. But it hurts..

Well, thats That. Let me share with you what i went through yesterday.

I had a chat with my lady boss, and obviously i was disappointed.. but i guess i was ready to face the disappointment because i was told millions of times that she doesn't appreciate.. and i was calm after the talk, even though i failed miserably to convey what i really wanted.

Inside me, i felt that sour-ish feeling, but i did not want to dwell on it as i know it's going to be waste of time.. so i ring-ed my munchkin, i wanted to talk 2 him 2 calm myself *lol, btw, his voice is some kinda therapeutic medication for me at situations like that..*

He really made me teared.

He said : I guess working late nights for me has taken toll of you and your work, every night when i come home, it hurts me watching you sleep, cause even when you're sleeping, i can see that you're so tired baby.. i'm so sorry..

I paused for a moment, i teared. Honestly, working midnights for him isn't the main issue because it only makes me tired physically but it doesn't interfere my deliverance at work..

I teared because his love is so fulfilling.

It gives me a sense of contentment in life where everything else don't really matter..

He told me to be patient, to not take Money as the prime reason for everything i do..

For then i'll be disappointed because i look for monetary returns in all i do..

Where's that girl that used to work with passion and excitement of accomplishments, she is now only looking at the rewards to keep her going?

Honestly, i Don't know.. really.

I miss my mum now, i'm going back to her arms tonight.. i really need those moments, to collect myself back as a whole.

the Rounds of Tests..

Sorry for the Long Silence.. it has been tough tough weeks for me : trying to maintain the passion for work, trying to balance things in life - rship/family/friends/work, trying to make ends meet, Trying to please people simultaneously also, myself.

Man. i'm Really, really, tired inside me.

I had a row with my Munchkin few weeks back, well, it's over, done with. I'm taking the whole situation positively. Yes, the happily-ever-after couple gotten into a serious argument where I nearly walked out the hse etc. yes, that Dramatic.

I had my answers, he has his.. i had my Positive intentions but it didn't seem positive to him.. i was just saying things out frm my blank mind but it was too sharp that sliced him inside thus created an uglee scene of us both, with tears to End it.

No matter how hurtful things can be said, i nearly wanted to strangle him so bad for not weighing the whole situation and making it seem such a BAD thing while it isn't.. Taking every damn thing so personal at heart, till i'm speechless when it meant the Best for him.. Sigh. I'm not him, his not me.. thus i don't expect him to see my angle but least Understand when i'm relating it to you, WHY do i do so, WHY do i say so, WHY.. not blindly argue-ing back.

I was so upset with him, cudn't sleep the whole night.. eyes flooded with tears so it looks like i got punched at the eye.. i just had to consult my friends about it.

I do that cause i want to know if i'm seeing it wrongly or have i overlooked on his feeling because honestly i was too drown to the fact that ALL i do is for him but he thinks i'm doing it out of Nothing and i can't rationalized anymore due to the emotions overwhelming the thoughts.

I'm a very dominating girl, and well, thats not really good cause i tend to want to DOMINATE everything i do, or things under my roof.. i like to Lead and manage all my own, with my own ways.. I do not like to reason out myself too much, but i constantly seek loop holes for difficult situations and i ask probably too much to avoid the wrongs - perfectionist in short.

And that is also NOT good.

Well, i'm trying really hard to be better.. but when situation needs me to compromise too much, i will retaliate.. and fight. Thats my nature as i don't believe in losing myself for others.. But he's the ONLY, one and ONLY that made me LOSE MYSELF for him - utmost wILLingly.

I think he Bomoh-ed me.. do you think so too? hmm......

Love, love lil3pees!

Pampering the Love ones makes me happy :)

Weekend was well spent with Love ones, on Sat we rewarded our mum with a shopping spree and get her the things we always wanted to :) A belated present, but it has always been in our hearts and mind, for this moment. for you.

My Sweetheart with presents from Son and Daughter *ouch, the wallet said.*

I have to work double hard to cover this damage done but it's heart fulfilling and worth it.. i bet you can really relate to my feelings, if you feel the same too.. it gives me the self-accomplishment feeling, joy that i could finally splurge on my mother, one that has given just too much all her life to sustain the Happy Family. This gifts, are Nothing to compared what she has done/given to us kids thus i vowed, to always give her the best, i could. I remember when i was a little girl, i always like to boast to my relatives, i'll bring my mum around the world when i grow up.. now when i know how "not-easy" to earn that dollar in your bank account, i hesitate a little but the childhood dreams will always be my encouragement, like my mum always says "You just have to have faith in yourself my dear.."

I hate to window shop and having my heart eye-ed/glu-ed to a certain something that i just so want to get it but i know now is not the time.. yet. but but, i will come and get it soon, when i have enough cash, or i should say, extra disposable cash - well said :)

Anyway, Sunday! Sunday is my dating day and so besides strolling at the Malls, we watched "Ip Man 2".. oh man, it was a good movie, so good :) or should i say... TOO GOOD! lol. Oh speaking of which, Robinhood is another "too good" movie to watch, if you have that extra 10ringgit, go watch it at the cinema or get the DVD!!! thanks joshieee for the Free movie.. lol. that made my Fwaiday so damn great, on top of that, with the unexpected meet ups that turned out so well!

Cindy - an high school friend, just came back frm NZ, it was so random, didn't actually Though we could but we clicked and be Friends all over again, oh so well.. she's really awesome, sometimes it doesn't take long to judge a person and i can feel this friendship inside me, that makes me happy, i would smile thinking about Fwaiday especially the people i met :) Socializing is always my hobby, i love it.

Question for the Day : If your hobby would actually create discomfort feeling to your partner, how will you deal with it? I'm having the biggest dilemma when it comes to the munchkin. He's not very happy with the kind of hobbies i Like, i sometimes just need someone to punch sense into myself, for i can't see where or how should i handle this further..

I Love dancing, salsa, clubbing, hip hop - he doesn't really, like it cause, it tends to capture too much attention from the Male side..

I Love socializing, meeting new friends, randoms - he Hates it, especially when it involves MALE.

Well, this are my 2 biggest love pastime/hobbies but i have no idea how to make the Munchkin happy. I understand why is he NOT happy but, i just can't see myself NOT doing any of the above.. am i selfish? I think i am, but i want to be ME, i don't want to be someone else and the fact that i have been reducing it from time to time still doesn't make you happy, should i then just go full-force and you then will see the difference and be Glad that i did reduce?

Man i hate myself so much, because i am so in love with this guy but i can't see myself sacrificing myself, my interests for him.. i can't and i will just have to see how long he'll be able to take this crap from me..

I'm Sorry.

You're my Wonder Woman - wonder mama! :)

It's a big deal when it comes to my mum, every single darn thing is Big - like mother's day, mummy's time, mummy's orders/advices, mummy's big day etc etc..

So much for loving my mum yet i hadn't been a faithful daughter to help with house chores or lighten her burden, yes its very bad.. i know and another thing, i hadn't plan anything for her yet in due to the busy week of back to back events but its okay, i will get her something soon :)

Anyway, Happy mother's day! You've been such a great person, definitely more than just the word "great". There's actually no words to describe how wonderful you are to have brought us 3 kids into this world and mold us into who we are today.. my mum, my bestfriend. She's the best person on earth i could relate to ANYTHING, my bf, my problems, my work, my self-esteem, confidence - she's like a all-rounder wonderwoman who has just the right words/right methods to cure my headaches and drown my sorrows in any and every possible way thus the endless love and care from me. I love you much much, wondermama.

Well, 1st week of May has indeed brought me a lot of excitement. First, with the munchkin as always, 2ndly, with my pet bro's aka the Bullies! and third, its about all the things revolving in my world now, the word Love..

3bullies and me the-one-who-gets-bullied :)

After dinner with the bullies, i was kidnapped to my brother Shaunie's hse @ Damansara. They played Mahjong while i feast my eyes and concentration on Counter Strike. hahhaaha.. yah i am a CS addict when i was younger, yet i died miserably in the game but after few more tries, i was sustaining longer and longest in the game :) *peace*

On another note, the ex-bf. It makes me wonder why he always has to pop up all sudden out of the blue asking me the weirdest questions and intrigues me to something that i don't even know what, leading me blindly to some clueless things and then snapped, oh its nothing. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? The first time, he was overseas, out of the blue, he gave me a long distance call, and saying things which i don't even wish to mention but, heck its over. You said you broke up before you went overseas but truth is you were still together and you called me behind her back and it seems like a 2nd confession story from you to me.. Hey, what is going on, really?

Trying to still figure out why he called, the conversation then lead on to something more personal and so I told him Oh its good, i hear you're attached and very happy and all. Keep it up... suddenly the long silence and he said "You only hear what ppl say, you think i'm happy but deep inside me i'm not.. do you even know how i feel etc etc etc" hey.. i'm just trying to be polite? and its only from others that i know about you like the fact that you're attached but i don't dig details cause heck, why would i need those piece of info? We no longer keep in touch and who cares what news i get, and how on earth am i suppose to know that you're unhappy? wait, the Ultimate question is..

Why are we in the first place still having this type of conversation? WHY?

Then, due to his royal highness self esteem that i burnt badly, i guess he was mad at me cause i was very cold, so much so he DISAPPEAR-ed..

Then one fine day, well, just few days ago, he APPEARED again. Messaged me asking how am i and all.. fine i replied.

Then the golden question of his came out, he said he has something in mind and he wants to ask me, so go ahead, ask..

"Were you scared the time when i was angry that i lashed out at you the other time.." (this case was 2-3years ago by the way)

I gasp.. i never see this coming but fine, i replied saying YES i was. and he said...

"I'm really sorry.."

Inside my mind, I'm like........ oh okay, its over? So, i forget about it.

Today, he appears again, and he started saying he has something that STRIKES his mind again, and as a concern friend, i asked, what is it? He then said, oh somethings are meant to only share with friends, ex's and gf's.. they are all different and thus only certain things i share with a certain someone bla bla bla..

So i replied, i know there's difference between all you mentioned, just that i don't understand why would you need to say it knowing i would ask why and then telling me your philosophy of differences of people you treat in life? Hello? then heck, just don't say it, right?

And he replies, okay then, i won't say anything.

Now this is when my blood boils, but i burst out laughing instead, i bet you would understand why.. Man, what a day to keep my emotions busy.. LOL :)

Sigh.. man with his royal highness ego. Just don't get it why are you still this way after so many years, probably its just You and that is why i had to change.. Now, i'm sorry for saying this.

I gotta run now, time to meet my munchkin for a Date! Something special to end my long long weekend :) yeay! Feast your eyes with some photos, sorry for making you all READ - oh so much! Huggies.

I Like to copy him - his cute ways.

and the Loving ways..

My love philosophy is all about sharing 1 precious place for my heart with another - now that its inside, its sealed with the word "Fragile item - handle with care" :)

Lots of Love,

Lil3pees!

it's the way you Moved me..

Dear Diary,

Can you tell me why am i having mixed-confused feelings when i'm suppose to feel the Happiest-Blessed-Lucky girl because i have a special someone who loves me head over heels and would do anything to just make me smile/happy.. I just needed to share this out, in my personal space here. A place i feel most personalized and its a private space for me to voice the deepest insights of myself, things i could not relate in any other forms than just Writing it all down, Here..

I hate to have the "I owe you too much" feeling..

IT kills my ego.

IT makes me think i'm super selfish.

IT tends to make me feel like i don't deserve all these.

IT causes some mind disruption from time to time, making me feel, why am i not doing Anything.

I talked to my mum about it.. told her what happened last weekend.

Let me briefly share,

It was a lovely Sunday, a day we celebrated munchkin's mama's biggie day BUT i had a meet-up with a bunch of really good friends that i kinda lost touch which i Must or TRY TO MAKE time for it, but it was Sunday, it was munchkin's day too - munchkin's only OFF-day is Sunday btw.

I selfishly decided after dinner to make time to meet my friends. 1 of them was down from Singapore, going off the next day and i hadn't met her, nearly 1year or so, it is Long because she's one of the closest buddies i had during college times and another dear friend that i Have to just meet her too.. so 2 important people. I told myself, Try. Try to make it.. and so i made it, Munchkin said its okay, go meet them.. i'll wait for you, i'll do my stuffs.. go go :) i happily hopped into the car, off we go, he dropped me off and i invested my full attention to the night's conversation, don't even know what time and how long we took to share everything as much as we could, in 2-3hours.

What moved me the most, after bidding goodbyes i looked at the time, it was nearly 1am. Shucks i thought to myself, munchkin must have waited so long for me. Since 10-1, solid 3hours, i do not even dare ask in details what he did, he roughly mentioned he met so and so and waited for me for a bit in Old Taste cafe nearby where i was. I felt so bad, so so bad, he just have to wait for me while i catch up with my buddies. I thank him of course, i appreciate it but my heart felt the Pinch of pain/upset, THIS i don't know why..

Then..

Munchkin : B, are you tired? *grinsss..*

Me : Errmm.. ok la, why ah?

Munchkin : Lets go for massage? I have promised to bring you today and i must bring you! Please laaa..

Me : What time already? Open meh? Don't want la.. it's late and i don't want already

*I didn't want him to spend money again.. i'd rather go myself..*

Munchkin : But i want a massage.. :( and the shop's still open for it, can we go? Please la? Lets go together? You agreed to go yesterday and then now !@#$%^&*() ..................

Me : Ok fine ok fine.. *Nodded.. okay la lets go..*

*Since i came back from singapore, i had this pain on my shoulder and back that i badly needed to get a massage but just couldn't find the right time.. so i held back the thoughts by delaying and delaying.

Munchkin signed the 1hr 15mins body massage for me and told me to go in, i then asked him "then you le?" he said, i'll start with my leg massage first.. you go you go.. follow the girl, and go.. later i come..

After 45mins :-

Masseuse : Your bf really takes care of you huh.. why he don't want to massage?

Me : I think he's outside, he wanted to just have a leg massage..

Masseuse : Oh? No. there's no one outside already, only left you and another 1 customer but not your bf wor..

Me : Really? Are you sure?

Masseuse : Yes.

After 1hr 15mins..

I walked to the counter and asked the girl, if my Bf did the massage, she said No and i walked out the door, my bf smiling so widely, asked me if the massage was good, how was i feeling.. i asked the girl out loud, "He never do the massage for his leg, did he.."

He then replied, I did la.. i Did.. you don't know only.. with his witty-grin face, he quickly walks to the car.. while i bid goodbye and thanked them for the good service.

Me : Why baby? Why didn't you indulge on the leg massage you wanted? Why you wasted your time waiting for me and you do nothing but just wait?

Munchkin : I didn't need it baby, but you seriously needed it.. don't angry la, i just wanted you to be happy..

Me : If i knew you're not doing, i wouldnt have agreed and make you wait for me like that. For what then?

Munckin : Thats why i didn't want you to know, its okay baby, as long as you're happy, so how's it? Is it good..? Are you hungry? Do you want to drink... Are you feeling sleepy? ...........................

Deep inside my heart, i was so very touched, beyond words..

I knew he did all these out of love, while all i did, i can't even remember if i thanked him as i was more overwhelm with the sad feeling he had to wait for me, wasted time and money just for me, i kept focusing on "I shouldn't have done it, i should have insisted that i don't want.....". Given a chance, i hope i reacted the other way round - as a passionate loving Gf that i always hope to be for him.. i could have just Thanked him, give him a big bear hug, tell him how much i am moved by him and how incredible he is to me, show him the appreciation by actions But i didn't, i'm just so still THE OLD ME - keeps everything at heart for don't know who to see/feel/know.

SIGH.

Now tell me, how can i not get more upset of myself.

Love,

Lil3pees - still learning to be a Better me.

Babyyy i'm Back!!!

To those who didn't know, i was off to Singapore for nearly a week, 5days to be exact..

Man, i was quite looking fwd, some what excited but my heartaches thinking i'm surely going to MISS everything back home.. :(

Every time i'm leaving the country, Munchkin is definitely fetching me to the airport although we argued 3days before on me taking the cab, saving the trip and not waking him up just to send me.. but he will always win at last because i can no longer say no when all he does is because of me, and because he cares bout my safety.

Each time he sends me, he definitely accompany me till i'm about to board the plane.. It does make me feel very bad due to all my flight timing are always at WEE hours in the morning where he Sleeps best.. i'm so Sorry! yet thankful, you're doing it because of me..

Some people say.... the first 1-2-3years in the relationship is the Honeymoon years thus, you always get all those SWEET treatments, best services* wtf - get driven to wherever you want, take for you whatever you want, do things to make you feel the happiest lady on earth etc etc etc but lesser when the year turns 4-5-6 etc.. I of course, am worried too because he pampers me too much.. but but, I've seen couples that are still very loving after 3-4 years so, maybe Mine too? *fingers crossed* time will tell.......... and i only can say, i Hope for the very best!

Anyway, overall, i enjoyed My trip.. no doubt the Stress level kinda overwhelmed my days most of the time but when the night hits, i kinda let out and relax myself to prepare myself for the war that will take us, 4days..

In a nutshell, thank god i have very good companions, enough to sustain and call off a victory after 4days of hard work by all and torturous moments that we manage to keep each other motivated at all all times.. Thank you for being cooperative and understanding :) i really enjoyed the nights walking at the roads blindly, looking at the maps like bloody tourist, waiting for our never-coming-back bus at the stupid MRT, laughing our heads off because we look stupid and do a lot stupido things.. :) Little angelyn, thanks.

Little Angelyn and Me

The exhibition has definitely been a life learning experience and you get to see sooooooo many brands, machinery, f&b types from Hall 2-9.. its Crazy, you need at least 2-3days to finish seeing the place and the things they offer. I'll definitely bring Munchkin along with me if i'm going, the next 2 years..

Anyway, from this trip besides suffering from backaches, leg pain, muscle aches, shoulder pain, mental stress, i can still consider it as a worthy one :)

Its SUNDAY, and munchkin's mommy dearest's birthday! Yeay! it means GOOD food tonight and DRESS UP! :)

*Some of my fav shots taken during my Trip*

More pictures to come.. Stay tuned!

Love,

Lil3pEEs!

Sweet, Sour, Spicy, i hate Bitter the most :(

Tears could be the cause of many reasons, one of it that i bet many have tried before.. a broken heart. Sometimes when you're too overwhelm with sadness, bitterness.. you'll just tear your heart out, those scenario is beyond words to describe and it hurts, so bad. so very bad.

While i hear a sad story occurred to a very dear one, Tears just trickled down my cheek. He's someone that i would protect and give anything if i could afford to.. it bitters me when something unpleasant happens, what more, a broken heart. Sometimes when you give your all, you try not to always hope for a return but we're just human beings, with Emotions that we can't help it sometimes.. it can control and destroy a person's everything and to an extend when it gets out of hand, it triggers other negative feelings inside you that holds you back from moving on, from being YOU and you start drowning yourself with any possible options to get rid of the Hurt but it doesn't work that way.. Time is the ultimate healer besides the other options.. really.

Anyhow, i for one thinks that Life's most educational way of learning is being in a relationship, one of it - being couples, being in love with that One person.. Love is everything when you're in the peak of your relationship, you feel World is just about the Two of you, everything seems so right and perfect, you express love like there's no tomorrow but, reality is, a healthy and sustainable relationship, no matter how loving you can be.. the package of ultimate sweetness of life comes with Challenges.. These continuous challenges may spark of emotional swings which then leads to falling apart, give up, let go, move on.. but it will definitely make you a better, stronger person in the long run.. Thats why people say, it's better to have Loved and Lost than not to Have loved at all.. i second this saying.

As much as i try not to speak bout the story that shaken my day, i just wished it didn't happened. I love so much to see you both still together and i can see you both want the exact same things from one another, why can't you see it? Why can't one of you tolerate, why view tolerance as a threat he/she will ask for more in future.. Why?

Maybe you both did made it all clear,

Maybe you've talked everything,

Maybe you think you've done your best,

Maybe you don't think its worth fighting for,

Maybe its just true that you felt Different already,

Maybe the break up is the only Right thing you think,

Maybe..

But deep in me i trust, you both make compatible loving couples, Why.. because you both Love each other so dearly but of course, what i say is bullshit if you don't feel the same way as i do.

Why put self interest so high up till the other party gets Hurt?

Why don't you put yourself in His/Her shoes each time you want something for yourself..

Human are selfish by nature..

BUT,

Relationship SHOULD not be.

It has to be Sharing, Loving, Caring, Understanding..

Revenge in a relationship, its Not even an applicable action.. please.

When your decision to do something is Rejected by the other half, think about it, He/She might be Hurt with your decision, Don't take it the negative way and negative thoughts that He/She is trying to CONTROL you.. but i guess the Controlling word has always been a trend to you both thus it has eaten and drained you both up in the long run and Now, it explodes.

I for one believe, you must Respect each other's space and Understand your partner.

Giving you the best example of my own,

Munchkin never liked me Clubbing, yet i Go.. he doesn't SAY NO because he respects my social circle and ME most importantly, so he would voice out his feelings of discomfort and to not make me upset and Him worried, he made Rules for me when i go and i give in by Obeying to it and so we reached a mutual understanding.

Although i admit, 10times i go, 9times i break the rules, either i couldn't hear the phone or i danced too much to remember to check my phone. He obviously gets upset and will throw moody faces and words because he thinks i Forget about him when i'm there having fun, he's here very worried of me. I put myself in his shoes, every time, and so when i'm back to his arms, FIRST thing i must do, to comfort him.. show him you care and make him understand you Remembers him and most importantly Do not Lie, i would tell him YES, i was dancing so much i didn't check my phone.. i'm So sorry but you're Always in my mind.

But of course, there's no point saying Sorry when i always repeat my mistakes, and fair enough i got scolded badly from him because of this.... so how? Do i choose to feel sad why he controls me, start feeling frustrated because of him?

No.

I have chose to control myself, by replying his texts at least once or twice to make sure i'm safe, i would promise myself to call him after i'm done, to also assure him and keep him less worried.. I will keep in mind, he's paranoid because he cares, he loves me too much to allow any bad things to happen so when i think of that, i feel loved and i will improve myself to ensure he's also happy in a way.

This could be a simple challenge but trust me, at the end of the day, its your Actions that speaks, and if i do not change, he'll just be More upset, it'll keep bottling inside him and I will not feel any better, so why don't I do something before any worser things happen?

You can never have Best of Both Worlds, sacrifices are essential when the one matters most is the other Half, not my clubbing scenes..

Thus back to the story, you've been together far too long to not know the basic fundamentals of a relationship yet, you both lost control and perished in THIS that may cause a Lifetime Lost..

Is it worth it?

Basically, if you Do not treat each other the way you want to be treated, you take for granted the things that the other half gives or provides, you'll lose him/her eventually..

Love is like a plant, you need to water it, fertilize it and provide sufficient sunshine to grow it but some of the days you "forgot" to water it, you "thought" the fertilizer is enough, you "forgotten" when it rains too hard, the plant will suffocate and die.. and when it does, you sit and cry and wonder what has went wrong while all these while, you had taken for granted, YOU thought missing 1-2days of watering or fertilizing will be okay.. but its Not that way, what more Human that has real Feelings..

Bottom line,

If you decided the break up is the Only thing that makes you feel better, you think its the best choice because you can't stand or tolerate things that has happened between you both.. i will honestly say.. go ahead.

Just remember, there's not always a Second chance. Once its gone, it will be gone for good and it'll never come back.. It's not easy to find one who Loves you in return and maybe even more than him/herself..

I've witness a regret that can never be undone..

Don't let it be You.

With all my blessings,

Lil3pees.

Oh Baybee! its S.U.N.D.A.Y!

Weekend passes so Quickly, or shall i say Happy times always passes so fast..

I hardly ever get to feel enough time for leisure, relaxation, REST, just stay home do nothing, i ALWAYS have something to do, cause Saturday is my only day i can spend time with my family and Sunday is the BF day.. and both days i try my best not to make time for anything else unless i have to, unless i really need to.

The weekdays are work work work, and i try to fit all social appointments and what not on weekdays so it doesn't eat up my Weekends..

Anyway, I've decided to name the BF all throughout my blogging, My Munchkin! :) i love the word - munchkin.. its cute, munchy, sweet sweet soft soft sponge-y.. obviously not describing HIM but he's my munchkin, one that i bully every chance i get, one i always disturb anytime of the day, one i demand for things i want *of cause i don't mean materials..*

My Munchkin and Lil. Munchy:)

Oh well, the candid Munchkin :) i love taking his pics..

In a relationship, there' so much things that eventually would get involve, its no longer a matter of 2 love birds in Love. It takes a lot to sustain a healthy relationship, I've heard so much broken stories, broken hearts, misunderstanding, love birds that i thought would eventually walk down the aisle turn into strangers or worse.. It takes me aback sometimes to think or convince myself, how can my relationship be different.. maybe some days down the road, we would bump into a tough ride but, i have a very confident partner that always says,"Don't compare me with other guys,please.. Time will tell you who i really am.."

Honestly, being 1year 4mths together, i'm not trying to pull my own socks but i really felt my munchkin is Different, in a sense, he's sensitive to things that not many guys would.. and he will just do anything and everything for me.. i'm so so so spoilt with him and i really really don't ever want a day i Lose him, it scares me to even imagine how important he has become, how one person like him plays such a big role in my life, the more shocking, interesting fact, how can i Love a guy this deep, this much and decide he's the love of my life when we're just a year plus old.. I know the length of time isn't the most important, as long as the 2 persons in love feels the same way for each other and are both willing to take their life's to another level together - thats all that matters.

The Love stories and the journey built by our bare own hands, the accomplishment so far.. I'm so proud & it has achieved a level I've never ever felt, or thought or experienced.

I tell you.. It is amazingly-crazy. Its like attempting a roller coaster ride blindfolded with 1 person you don't really know. Somehow, there's this voice in your heart that comforts you and made you feel this is Right, Go for it.. and i followed that inner voice, landed on the love ride i am still riding till today - it is the best ride ever.

Thanks to my munchkin, the one who held my hand, promised me that this ride will only get better and better..

Love always,

Lil3Pees.

Lesson 102 : Love is just a word, until you find Someone to give it a Definition.

Love is just a word until you find Someone to give it a Definition :)

TRUE to that, He's my definition.

REMINDER : My post today would be quiteee cheezy-meezy. Love is in My Air today and thats why i do love Fwaidays most of the time besides the OH so crazymazy! traffic after 6pm.

Throughout my years of Life, I've loved and lost, once. *thank god* and.. i finally met the love of my life *i hope, really hope he is the one..*

I can really write a book about him, US together because there's just TOO much to write about but i guess what matters most is what i feel, what i am when i'm with HIM. The journey of 365 days and more, has shaped me to who i am today and most importantly, he showered me with endless Love, Care, Patience, Understanding and Yes, the feeling of Happiness - is so wonderful..

In return, I honestly felt i haven't done a good job being his partner.. i'm more of a Selfish person, well who isn't but in compared to him, he's the more generous, forgiving and i'm not, enough said. Although he matters SO much to me, i wouldn't want to show it where else, he does it all the time. You would definitely feel the Love from him even with closed eyes, and no matter how angry you can be at that moment, he just has his ways to make you Melt to make you smile.. and thats how he "manages" me.. thus i'm Still so very much in love and the Love just keeps growing day by day with Him.

It's funny and ALSO worrying when he starts asking questions like these :-

"Baby, are you bored with me already?"

"Baby, can you don't leave me.. please?"

.......hm, i used to laugh and giggle when he says that but, i no longer feel the funny feeling its more of the worrying feeling and WHY does he say that. I smell Uncertainty and Insecurity. I start to feel sad in a way, i don't know how i can make him STOP feeling or having thoughts like that, can i just assume that he's just saying it for fun or ... playing?

SIGH.

Truth is, Bored has never exist in the relationship, Yes it never.

and..

Leaving him.. is not even possible cause i Love him so dearly, i can't promise forever but all i can say, he's the Only one i want to grow Old with..

Only one i have in mind to spend the rest of my life..

Can someone help me TELL him this?

From the day i said Yes to him, to spend my 2nd phase of life with him, I've never once regretted, only that day by day he makes me feel i'm not good enough for him cause he makes me happy all the time, keeping me safe and warm, loved and very assured that i'll never lose him, not even 1 sec.. but i do the direct opposite, keeping him worried, less assured, not safe, not warm although loved.. now thats tragically SAD and worse, he might in future dump me for this..

Reminiscing the 1year 4mths together.. spending quality Holidays together, he always claimed he is the happiest boy and i think, i'm the happiest girl. Yeah, its so fairytale like.. but its true, its our fairytale.

He's the only man in my life that actually pays attention to what facial products and shampoo i use, remembers and buys the exact same thing for me because i have this "old grandma" tendency of forgetting my things when i travel around so he silently bought it and i was SO SHOCKED, you won't know how Touched i felt especially during times when you have to use it but you just knew you forgot to take it with you and there, the bf appears with the most unexpected - one of it, my make up remover, i mean he bought another one just in case, i have times like NOW..

Girls, i bet you know how that would have felt, if its you.. HOW on earth are you going to WASH off those make up without a make up remover? It's not going to work, for me at least.

This is just ONE of the sweetest things my bf does for me and there's so so so much more and i would constantly update my love life more since i'm not so expressive when i'm with him, let it be here, a space for me to let out what i really do feel about Him.

I want to say thank you for being the best i could ever had, i'm never willing to replace you or lose you for another.. you only gave me smiles ever since we start dating and those smiles grew into laughter and somehow became my lifetime happiness.

Yours trully,

Lil3Pees, one who loves you very dearly :)

May! it's your Date - 6th April 2010

Despite the 24 7 fights and arguments i always HAD to go through with you..

Happy birthdayyyyyy!!! I hope you enjoyed the preparation done by all of us, andddd the 17 special words from ME! :)

We are SORRY for calling you..

when Printer got problem,

Photostate machine stuck,

Printer can't print,

Outlook got problem..

Everything also must call you..

it is all because..

You're the ONLY one we can CALL and RELY ON!

You're important to us..

Pls don't be sad when we ask for HELP,

we "bi bu de yi de"

Cause if there's NO you,

no printer to use,

no photostate machine,

can't send email,

all problems will not be solved..

P/S : My HAIR really stand after typing THIS..

HAHA! still.. Happy birthday from all of us!

we Lup you!

You're one of the closest person i can share my sob & happy stories, its your birthday today and WE are glad to be celebrating this special day for a special person like you..

She doesn't take Dairy/Cheese items.. tell me, how to find someone like you?

Her birthday cake is SPONGE CAKE because she don't take dairy and cheese, the only cake she eats, SPONGE CAKE omg!

Anyhow, it's because you're so UNIQUE and your odds made it all just so YOU.

Happy Birthday,

From ALL, specially from Me..

the Week's Dilemma : Left or Right?

I bet many have encountered dilemma situations.. i'm a very bad decision maker, but mind you, that doesn't mean i always make Bad decision, its just i'm indecisive and FICKLE, and that makes a very very bad combination altogether.

I do have "making decision crisis" all the time! Well, but who doesn't right? Its just that the things you are indecisive about is different, the seriousness and percentage of worries varies but it doesn't make it all a different world, you're still undecided for whatever the reason is/are.

Anyway, human always strive for the best, you demand when you think you've done the best but do you ever question yourself whether you've they tried hard enough, do you worth what you think you deserve? Do you sometimes make assumptions that you've done SO MUCH yet gain so little?

Do you really understand whats behind the Road to Success? Yes, it's determination, not hard work.

I work, mainly because I've always loved the people industry, money wasn't the main priority, it was rather secondary because i was still under my own comfort of savings i had since high school. I've always hated to ask money from my parents even when i was a little girl. I'd rather go without lunch at school than to remind my mum she forgotten to give me pocket money today. I learnt to spend wisely at tender age of 15/16, since i started earning from part time jobs.

Thats how i lived, moved on and be who i am today, a quite/very particular person when it comes to money. I guess it has rooted inside me since i was little.

Today, money is my priority, i strive for a better living and thats when i start counting and measuring my rewards and things i WANT to have more than before.

I guess i'm afraid to move out my comfort zone, i'm afraid of making choices risking myself for the other wrong, worse move and so with this THINKING, i will never get to know whats the other side waiting for me. I want to change this fact but again, i'm lack of self-believe and confidence.I want to achieve greater heights but i do not know if i'm doing it Right or am i at the right track ever since the start? There's so much in my head right now, i want to just burst open my heart and find the answer but it doesn't work that way.

On a seperate note : I pray i'll be able to nail One little fish, that little fish is already roaming near my bait, i'm just Waiting for the right time to make it mine! I will reveal it when i'm Done de-boning my fish!

Honestly, I feel so much better now, somehow writing is one of my stress-reliever remedy.

By the end of the day, i want to be a Better me by end of 2010, i hope you too! Lil3Pees believe sharing is always caring.. now this is my part of sharing, when's yours? :)

Whatever your story could be, i hope it would be better than me.

Love,

Lil3Pees! Happy happy Sunday!