the Lil things in Life does matter..

It's strange how 2 persons can react so differently to something I've said.

One made me smile,

the Other.. sigh.

i nagged 2 persons in my life about smoking, only 1 impressed me, the other - just cont giving excuses.. well, its okay. its your life but when its about what i think about u, sorry don't mind my 2cents please.

bestie! i'm so proud of you! u totally blew me red-pink-orange handed! hahahaa..

let me tell you the story.

we were out 1 day, as he walked over the counter, i'm like.. hmm, must be getting his ciggs.. i was in dismay thinking how could i ever make it WORK effectively and i'd thought, well, if he doesn't care about his life why should i right? the one suffering later on, is not me but of course it will affect me argghh.. watever lah!

anyway, as he walked back towards me. i was like, sigh wat the heck! after all that i have told about my sick uncle story who was a chain smoker who regretted, and nearly died because of that.. i teared as i knew there's 2 persons in my life that i MUST relate this story to and i was hoping to see a lil change. just even if its a LITTLE.

so as he sat down opp me, i started pouring my heart out. he's the best listener i can ever ask for.. the one good friend that i can never trade anything for.. a friend that will always be there, not just for the good times but during my worst moments of my life, he never fails me and yes, never.

guess what happened? as i was talking, he was unfolding the sweets on his hands which i was thought was his ciggs but NO, its Hacks! hahahaaha.. i was SO SHOCK AND SUPERBLY AMAZED! can you imagine how glad i was inside me when i saw him eating hacks instead of.. u know.. the thing i hate Most - smoking.

i was SO happy. you might think how such small things could make me remember and be this happy, well then you should re-think if you really know me :)

anyway, i sometimes wish, my other half can be as attentive not just listening and saying YES but listening with a heart that understands.. but i guess i can't be asking too much, i'm no perfect either.. i just sometimes wish i wasn't such a burdening/with high expectations gf, i only end up making the one i love, suffer to meet my "self-standards"

i must start re-adjusting.

i must stop having expectations.

i must learn to be better..

LIFE.

LOVE LIFE.

and the Complexity of IT, i wanna embrace with total confidence.

Love,

Lil3pees.

can't believe i'm back at Square One.

i'm back to square ONE.

and this could be my next-most regular place i visit.

although its not that bad of a news but, its the back to square one that makes me.. upset or rather, dissapointed.

i felt empty the last 2 weeks, and i know the reasons.

my emotions was like hurricane, as i watch myself turn into an -insecure girl-, hey! when did i even had that in me?

i cried.

so so badly.

knowing the reasons behind it is, i'm not walking right, the way i should be.

i can't believe i was deeply wounded about things that i know, i should have faith on or rather, it couldn't be True the way i saw it but i couldn't deny the fact that i was upset, worried, insecure.. i felt like crap! and that stopped me for a moment.

its time to REFLECT.

something's not RIGHT now.

i shouldn't even care if it was another girl that got him interested. he's just another GUY, why would i be hoping he's different when i'm not hahaha! that's expectations. and i have to accept that expectations can be destructive at times, like this. anyway, if things are meant to stray, it will and thus time would tell.

i'm usually quite confident with him, but something struck me and there goes my mind wandering and god knows how long this stupid-ediotic feeling would linger.

i cried knowing this isn't me.

i thank god, i was at church, to let out my deepest feelings..

to know there's something else i could rely on, to hope and have faith on rather than anything else in the world. i just need to be consistent, i need to stand for what is right and be determine of what i WANT, in life.

i hope my next post can be a happier one, i wish my prayers are heard, and i hope i can stop picturing or thinking i'm going to be single soon.

hope the cloudy chapters end today.

p/s : its such a comfort knowing someone actually keep tracks of your life *not stalker type pls and whenever a sad POST goes up on FB, he/she appears on your mobile asking "why square not Round.." etc. tears just filled my eyes cause i know he/she cares.. this much.

Love,

3pees.