Speechless..

Since i'm not allowed to blog or spread my love deep deep thoughts about this special person, i just want to say.. he has caused a huge difference in my life - only this 2 weeks.

What i'm trying to say here is..

2 weeks of crucial learning has caused a hurricane in me..

I'm not as good as the other person, i may be worse but the jealousy/over-confident feeling caused me to pinpoint other's every fault, make it seem like i'm the Better - to feel good but trust me, it doesn't work that way - i didn't feel any happier after.. i felt WORSE.

I've heard so much about myself from others, the perceptions i created, honestly its starting to be quite `effing ugly.. from the closest people - it just deepens the wound. i asked myself WHY..

Still trying to stay in denial, proving to myself i had valid right reasons for it but NO, i know deep inside, i'm losing myself, SLOWLY - bit by bit because i'm chasing what i call BIG DREAMS but its causing me to lose rationality and sometimes running overboard with my thinking and actions that caused me now, sleepless..

But i will repent, i will learn, i will steer to be Better.

For i'm looking forward to nail the first trophy this Saturday, i will try my best to make it one of the greatest achievement of mine so far, to prove to myself that i can do it..

I'm trying to get rid negative emotions/feelings.. but its haunting me.

I honestly am worried, i wonder am i on the right track, the calmness is freaking me out and driving me nuts till i can't sleep, trying to figure out where are the gwad darn LOOP HOLES..

I hate it when i overlook things.. it makes you feel stupid that moment, and the worst is to be shot in front of your superior, when you're trying to stand out.. HATE that feeling!

Blogging negativity and all these mentioned above clearly shows how NOT confident and also proves that i can't handle stress.. but i'm really in deep shiet, too much going in my head, not just about this SAT but I've too many things under my roof that's hanging by a thread and i feel terribleeeeeee..

DARN, i want Sunday to come sooner!

-i'mNotlil3peesbutherTwin-

1 Month, exactly.

Its been exactly 1 month now you're not Here with me.

I missed you, Oh no one could ever replace this Lost feeling inside me..

I needed you so much, during work, during happy moments, during my lowest but it was my negligence that caused this day to happen.

I promised not to shed tears again but to move on,

Time and time again, people around me are not used to me Not having you around..

When people ask about you.. i gasp on my reply.

Each time the X question pops up, altho it looks like i've moved on - i fake a smile, said that you're gone but honestly, it still cuts me really deep inside.

I wish to know where are you, are you in someone's hands not mine or are you left somewhere that i can't recall..

I can't talk about u, no one would undstd..

I can't tear to anyone cuz no one would think its worth even thinking bout you..

But i know their good intentions,

They just want me to move on, and find another new You.

But losing you, at this point of time, i don't even feel like having another one..

I will get over it, i promise i would..

But not now, not today,

Not when i still think of you..

Wanting you back..

Everyday.

P/S : I know it might sound silly, but i still hope to find you back, someday..