Its odd that i currently have this thought and urge.. to be like my mum - a newborn in terms of religion.. I don't know if its the cause of the current situation, contracts hanging by a thread, losing contracts, people not cooperating, being mistrust, being used, being accused.. i'm so boiled with all these negativity around me, causing me a real breakdown.. a breakdown so bad, i want to feel what is like, bringing the word, the believe of God in my life..
My mum has always told me to believe in God, like she did.. but i turned away..
Mum always ask me to leave it to God to help me.. but i don't..
Mum said God will help those who believe in Him.. i hesitate, i doubt..
Mum said i won't lose anything by believing but i gain so much if it happens to me.. i know but..
Mum wants me to believe so i won't need to struggle so hard, like she did.. i wish it was this easy
Mum, i really really wish it was this Easy.. because i'm stubborn like a stone.
and so I promised her to try and keep trying because i really want to be like her.. Calm and peaceful, Strong and Positive, Kind and helpful, Gifted and to have found your inner Happiness that i have not.. I will make a point to start tonight, and let go the negative thoughts or the stubborn attitude inside me..
I want to stop complaining. This is one thing i want to achieve cause i realized by complaining, although its a way for me to release the stress inside me, but it also clearly shows i'm incompetent in a way cause i rather waste time complaining than to work on it, finding other ways to nail it again.. It's true, so true..
On a separate note, i dreamt of my idole a lot lately.. and i'm always sooo happy in my dreams cause the dreams are all so very happy ones, i guess its because i'm very down and stressful lately and 1 remedy to make me feel better, is to hear his songs, and now that i'm also dreaming of him, it makes my night so sweet, so peaceful, so happy when i wake up in the morning - i kept wishing it didn't need to end, and i don't need it to be real..
It sounds wrong if i told this to my other half, i don't think he'll get what it means to me.. its not like i'm so crazy about him, but it makes me happy.. why not? Who cares if he won't know who am i, who cares if its only a dream and that it won't happen in real life..
All i wanted is to be happy, even if its only in my dreams.. :) You made my nights so wonderful. Although i don't recall what i dreamt but i still want to see you in my dreams because those moments, inside and outside, i'm so Happy.. and i long for this moment, always.
Besides this latest crazy dreams of mine, i'm also trying my best to be a better partner.. a better daughter.. a better person in a whole.
I miss my bestfriends so badly.. especially the one in Texas and the one in Penang..
I wonder why They are the choosen ones to be far away from me.. Not that i don't want, and of course i want the best for them.. and if being far apart is the best, it shall be.. like now :)
Wish it was that easy to find another You but of course i never did try to as well..
I hate substitutes or replacement..
especially when it comes to people close at heart..
thus i hate it when i'm "Forced" to say goodbye to the People i had been so so close with..
Its hell difficult to replace our good times with another person..
or maybe i'm just the difficult one..
Looking at all the crazy things we did, we had, just made me miss you so much more..
I Love this shot the Most, you'll the a similarity of what i call - my Best Friends.
Love,
Lil3Pees.
