it's the way you Moved me..

Dear Diary,

Can you tell me why am i having mixed-confused feelings when i'm suppose to feel the Happiest-Blessed-Lucky girl because i have a special someone who loves me head over heels and would do anything to just make me smile/happy.. I just needed to share this out, in my personal space here. A place i feel most personalized and its a private space for me to voice the deepest insights of myself, things i could not relate in any other forms than just Writing it all down, Here..

I hate to have the "I owe you too much" feeling..

IT kills my ego.

IT makes me think i'm super selfish.

IT tends to make me feel like i don't deserve all these.

IT causes some mind disruption from time to time, making me feel, why am i not doing Anything.

I talked to my mum about it.. told her what happened last weekend.

Let me briefly share,

It was a lovely Sunday, a day we celebrated munchkin's mama's biggie day BUT i had a meet-up with a bunch of really good friends that i kinda lost touch which i Must or TRY TO MAKE time for it, but it was Sunday, it was munchkin's day too - munchkin's only OFF-day is Sunday btw.

I selfishly decided after dinner to make time to meet my friends. 1 of them was down from Singapore, going off the next day and i hadn't met her, nearly 1year or so, it is Long because she's one of the closest buddies i had during college times and another dear friend that i Have to just meet her too.. so 2 important people. I told myself, Try. Try to make it.. and so i made it, Munchkin said its okay, go meet them.. i'll wait for you, i'll do my stuffs.. go go :) i happily hopped into the car, off we go, he dropped me off and i invested my full attention to the night's conversation, don't even know what time and how long we took to share everything as much as we could, in 2-3hours.

What moved me the most, after bidding goodbyes i looked at the time, it was nearly 1am. Shucks i thought to myself, munchkin must have waited so long for me. Since 10-1, solid 3hours, i do not even dare ask in details what he did, he roughly mentioned he met so and so and waited for me for a bit in Old Taste cafe nearby where i was. I felt so bad, so so bad, he just have to wait for me while i catch up with my buddies. I thank him of course, i appreciate it but my heart felt the Pinch of pain/upset, THIS i don't know why..

Then..

Munchkin : B, are you tired? *grinsss..*

Me : Errmm.. ok la, why ah?

Munchkin : Lets go for massage? I have promised to bring you today and i must bring you! Please laaa..

Me : What time already? Open meh? Don't want la.. it's late and i don't want already

*I didn't want him to spend money again.. i'd rather go myself..*

Munchkin : But i want a massage.. :( and the shop's still open for it, can we go? Please la? Lets go together? You agreed to go yesterday and then now !@#$%^&*() ..................

Me : Ok fine ok fine.. *Nodded.. okay la lets go..*

*Since i came back from singapore, i had this pain on my shoulder and back that i badly needed to get a massage but just couldn't find the right time.. so i held back the thoughts by delaying and delaying.

Munchkin signed the 1hr 15mins body massage for me and told me to go in, i then asked him "then you le?" he said, i'll start with my leg massage first.. you go you go.. follow the girl, and go.. later i come..

After 45mins :-

Masseuse : Your bf really takes care of you huh.. why he don't want to massage?

Me : I think he's outside, he wanted to just have a leg massage..

Masseuse : Oh? No. there's no one outside already, only left you and another 1 customer but not your bf wor..

Me : Really? Are you sure?

Masseuse : Yes.

After 1hr 15mins..

I walked to the counter and asked the girl, if my Bf did the massage, she said No and i walked out the door, my bf smiling so widely, asked me if the massage was good, how was i feeling.. i asked the girl out loud, "He never do the massage for his leg, did he.."

He then replied, I did la.. i Did.. you don't know only.. with his witty-grin face, he quickly walks to the car.. while i bid goodbye and thanked them for the good service.

Me : Why baby? Why didn't you indulge on the leg massage you wanted? Why you wasted your time waiting for me and you do nothing but just wait?

Munchkin : I didn't need it baby, but you seriously needed it.. don't angry la, i just wanted you to be happy..

Me : If i knew you're not doing, i wouldnt have agreed and make you wait for me like that. For what then?

Munckin : Thats why i didn't want you to know, its okay baby, as long as you're happy, so how's it? Is it good..? Are you hungry? Do you want to drink... Are you feeling sleepy? ...........................

Deep inside my heart, i was so very touched, beyond words..

I knew he did all these out of love, while all i did, i can't even remember if i thanked him as i was more overwhelm with the sad feeling he had to wait for me, wasted time and money just for me, i kept focusing on "I shouldn't have done it, i should have insisted that i don't want.....". Given a chance, i hope i reacted the other way round - as a passionate loving Gf that i always hope to be for him.. i could have just Thanked him, give him a big bear hug, tell him how much i am moved by him and how incredible he is to me, show him the appreciation by actions But i didn't, i'm just so still THE OLD ME - keeps everything at heart for don't know who to see/feel/know.

SIGH.

Now tell me, how can i not get more upset of myself.

Love,

Lil3pees - still learning to be a Better me.